Category Archives: The Onion

Real John McCain quote is eerily similar to Fake “The Onion” quote

Fake Onion story matches real story later in the day?

It was bound to happen sooner or later right? By now you’ve heard of Obama withdrawing “US Combat Troops” from Iraq. John McCain felt this was a good time to praise George W. Bush. Why? I have no idea but for some reason he thought it was a good idea. He sent out this tweet:

Last American combat troops leave Iraq. I think President George W. Bush deserves some credit for victory.

Apparently John McCain was living in an alternate universe during the Bush Presidency. Does he not remember that it was because of lies that the Bush administration told the American people that those soldiers ended up in Iraq in the first place? Does he not remember that Dubya ignorantly claimed victory years ago?

That’s another blog post for another time but what makes that McCain quote even funnier is a fake McCain quote that appeared in The Onion earlier today:

“President Obama deserves zero praise for this borderline accomplishment,” Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) told reporters. “After all, if it weren’t for President Bush ordering the initial invasion of Iraq and making it his central foreign policy initiative, we wouldn’t be here right now awkwardly celebrating the muddled outcome of whatever the hell it is we’ve been doing over there for the past seven years.”

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NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams

Over the years we’ve become used to the hilarious articles that are posted on The Onion. If you weren’t aware already, they put up some pretty funny videos too. Have you college basketball heard about recent discussions to expand the NCAA tournament? This one was just too good for The Onion to pass up on. I’m not a 100% sold either way on the potential of the NCAA tournament expanding. There were people who complained when the field expanded to 64 teams too.


NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams

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HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS DEMAND WARS IN EASIER-TO-FIND COUNTRIES


HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS DEMAND WARS
IN EASIER-TO-FIND COUNTRIES

“How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?” They Ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places they’ve actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

student testifies
“Shouldn’t we, as Americans, get to decide where wars are?” asked sophomore Kate Shermansky.

“People claim we don’t know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it’s so not our fault,” Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. “Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but we’re supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts.”

“Macedonia,” corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.

“See?” said Beldoni.

Beldoni’s frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

“I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to,” said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. “Can’t we fight in, like, Italy? It’s boot-shaped.”

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

“OK, what about Arulco?” interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. “That’s a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. I’m totally familiar with that place. She’s a major threat.”

“Jagged…?” said Levin.

“Alliance. It’s a computer game.”

“Well, no,” Levin answered. “We can’t attack a fictional country.”

“Yeah right,” Boone mumbled. “Like Grenada was real.”

The students’ testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for America’s young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.

“Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still don’t know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio,” said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. “I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.”

“I’ve always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.),” said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. “Oh shit, is my microphone on?”

The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nation’s capital, but forgot which city it was in.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.

Bwahahah…Link

Some fun stuff from theonion.com

War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion

The Onion

War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion

JERUSALEM—Millions of Middle Easterners are turning to one thing to make sense of the seemingly endless violence between Israelis and Arabs: religion.

U.S. Dedicates  Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts

The Onion

U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Tankers carrying millions of vials of the AIDS virus departed for Africa today as part of an effort to stop the charitable organization’s onslaught of relief.

The Onion

Ken Griffey Jr. Diagnosed With Hamstring Cancer

CINCINNATI—Just days after the Reds centerfielder learned that his father Ken Sr. has prostate cancer and his mother Birdie would be…

Randy Johnson Asks Chien-Ming Wang For Some Pitching Advice For A Pitcher Friend Of His

The Onion

Randy Johnson Asks Chien-Ming Wang For Some Pitching Advice For A Pitcher Friend Of His

NEW YORK—Yankees pitcher Randy Johnson asked his teammate and fellow pitcher Chien-Ming Wang Tuesday for some pitching advice that was…

 Payment To Sponsored Child Withheld To Teach Child A Lesson

The Onion

$18 Payment To Sponsored Child Withheld To Teach Child A Lesson

FAIRFAX, VA&mdashSave-A-Child father Gene Anderson says Mtumbe needs to learn to save for his future and not spend money on every childish little whim.

The Onion

Outgoing Commissioner Tagliabue Expected To Pardon Dennis Miller Before Leaving Office

NEW YORK—Although Paul Tagliabue will not address speculation concerning possible forgiveness of former color commentator Dennis Miller’s…

The Onion

Experts: ‘Derek Jeter Probably Didn’t Need To Jump To Throw That Guy Out’

BRISTOL, CT—Baseball experts agreed Sunday that Derek Jeter, who fielded a routine ground ball during a regular-season game in which the…